Meatless Ball Disaster

Vegan life took an ugly turn in my house last night. Let me start by saying that no Vegans...or Carnivores...were harmed during the making of this meal.  

I've always considered it a great injustice that I wasn't born in Italy...or in Indiana by way of Italy (that would have been fine). I LOVE Italian food. Pasta, pizza...CANNOLI. So when I was thinking about meals that would satisfy the budding Vegan in me, AND the carnivore in the rest of the household, I thought of spaghetti and meatballs. I've been using the same recipe for sauce and meatballs for the past 15 years (thank you, Linda). It is always a crowd pleaser and has never let me down. We'll start with the sauce, which is naturally Vegan:

2 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 Medium Onion, Chopped
3 Cloves Garlic, Chopped
2 28-oz Cans Furmanos Crushed Tomatoes (feel free to buy and puree fresh tomatoes...I didn't have time)
Basil to taste

Saute onions and garlic in olive oil until onions are translucent. Add with tomatoes and basil to crock pot, turning to low.

First I made the meatless balls. Rather than listen to my friend Andrea, who advised me to stick with foods in their "most natural form", I decide to try to make meatballs with Tofurky.

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I opened the bag. I suppress a gag as the smell of dog food Tofurky hit me. What have I gotten myself into? I can salvage this with enough "other" ingredients...right? I press on. Tofurky has a strange consistency. It looks like chili (mmmmm...chili dogs) in the pack, but it's only slightly moist and crumbly. Did I mention it smells bad? I add bread crumbs, chopped garlic, chopped onion, basil and oregano. The balls actually form easily...I somehow manag to get the consistency right on the first try! My nostrils have become immune to the smell, so I'm starting to get a little excited. I mean...they're meatless balls...and they are gloriously vegan. I can do this! I put a little organic olive oil in the pan and put my meatless balls in to cook.

Not bad, huh?

It suddendly occurs to me that I have no idea how I'm supposed to know when they're "done". Is this meatless concoction already cooked? Can I get sick from eating undercooked meatless? Do I just wait for it to go from brown to...browner? It dawns on me that I might be in over my head. I press on.

While the meatless balls are cooking, I turn my attention to what I know...the real deal meatballs. Linda's recipe is as follows:

1 Pound Ground Beef (I used grass-fed)
1 Egg (cage-free for this girl)
¾ Cup Italian Bread Crumbs
¼ Cup Grated Parmesan Cheese
Splash of Milk

Mix all ingredients and form into balls.  Brown in skillet until all sides are cooked evenly, then carefully drop in crock pot (sauce will be hot by now), cooking on low for at least 2 hours.

While the real deal is cooking in the crock pot, I put my cooked (I hoped) meatless balls in the sauce I've already set aside, and turned the heat to WAY low. I'm not completely sure they were cooked, so I want to let them marinade in the sauce for a while. I turn them off while they were still meatless balls, feeling less confident than earlier, but still thinking "I can do this". About that time, my carnivore walks in the house and pronounces "Mmmmm...something smells GOOD". In my heart, I know it's not my meatless balls. But they look good...or ate least edible.

Dinnertime arrives. The youngest boy has his cute as a button girlfriend over for dinner, and she bravely offers to try a meatless ball. Our financial planner is badgering us to have our Wills written up. Right now, everything I own is going to this sweet girl who is offering to choke down a meatless ball. My son better not screw this up...I don't care if they're only 16.

Unfortunately, my meatless balls have fallen apart and I'm left with something resembling bolognese sauce. And it's not what my husband smelled when he walked in the door. It smelled bad...my confidence was waning.

The rest of the family dives into their whole wheat pasta with perfect meatballs and freshly grated Parmesan cheese. I sit and stare at the mess on my plate.

It LOOKS good, right? I'll just say this: if your computer had a scratch and sniff function, you'd be walking away from it right about now. This concoction is festering sitting right under my nose. I manage to choke down a few bites, but I have a tornado of questions swirling in my head. What on earth is IN it? Tofu is white...how did this stuff get brown? Why does it SMELL so bad? Why didn't I just make meatballs out of black beans and oats and other good stuff I have in my pantry? Why did I waste $6 on something I bet even pigs wouldn't eat? Even the sweet girl who is now my soul heir is looking at my plate sideways...probably silently praying that I won't ask her to make good on her offer to try a meatless ball. 


Honestly, at this point, my appetite is shot. Cooking homemade goodness is a labor of love, so I'm happy that the rest of my family is happy. My carnivore asked what I want to do with the leftover "bolognese sauce", and I instruct him to put it down the garbage disposal...but not before I get a picture for the blog.

Lesson learned: keep it real and keep it fresh. I'm not saying I've ruled out tofu altogether. But I won't be asking the Tofurky folks to sponsor my blog anytime soon...or ever. Alas, tomorrow is a brand new day, and I am super pumped about a Vegan pancake recipe I found on Pinterest (aka Mecca). Stay tuned!